Thursday, January 10, 2008

room for squares

“Squares,” her voice called from across the dimly lit room. Who did she think she was? This girl whose name I learned from someone else and had since forgotten only 2 hours previously. We didn’t actually meet one another. How dare she brand me with such authority. It felt like a flashback to grade 7, or 8 or 11 or 12 – years when I was desperately trying to be someone I was not – someone who fit in completely with the so called cool kids.

I am, for the most part, ok with me. As best a 22 year old knows how, I have come to terms with who I am. I know my opinions and my beliefs, and I know I don’t know everything. I am ok with not being the cool kid, because I like to think I’ve moved past that whole stage in life, and really, there are no cool kids anymore because we are all adults anyhow.

My dad once told me that the first time he drove me home from college (Briercrest) was when he realized he had had a surly teenage daughter. It’s true, I was like that in high school, but college, college was where I started to be myself and like it. I like that I changed. I grew, I learned, I made friends who were good for me. They loved me, prayed for me, wanted me around and missed me when I wasn’t there. It was good. In fact, it was great. Never before, or since (with the exception of my own family), have I had that community experience – that feeling of belonging, where your heart is light and you know whatever you do, or don’t do, won’t result in judgment – perhaps concern, but not judgment. Not from your friends anyway. Not from your community. I am wholly convinced that my two years at Briercrest shaped my life in ways I still haven’t discovered. The people I was united with shaped my life. (I did end up marrying one of them after all!) They were the people around me and who loved me when I really started becoming a human. Becoming myself.

After Briercrest, when I attended SAIT, things were different. I thought I could maybe find that community again, that sense of belonging, but it was a different school, and different people and a completely different atmosphere. I still loved it, but there were traces of what I dealt with and went through in high school, and I wasn’t interested in going back to that place. I still made some great friends and had some fantastic experiences, but it was painfully clear that my Briercrest experience was just that – a one time thing. Which is ok. I am thankful for it.

These reasons are why last night was so upsetting in a non-upsetting way.

One of Dan’s mates, Stacy, from Australia has been in Canada the last month or so getting her money’s worth from her seasons pass at Fernie. Yesterday she traveled to the Fraser Valley to catch up with Dan and Brandon, an obviously fun thing to do. A whole bunch of us went out for wings – Dan and myself, Stacy and Brandon and a bunch of Brandon’s house mates/friends. Mediocre pub food and people you sort of know always
makes for an alright Wednesday night.

Afterward, we all went back to Brandon’s house, and that is where my realization of things past happened. Someone (the aforementioned square girl) suggested a pipe be lit. Others agreed. I knew I was leaving soon, because I don’t condone (that’s for you Hill) any type of smoking or pipes or anything that looks like it could be drugs but isn’t. I don’t like it, and I don’t mind saying so. Plus, I am not into hanging out in basements sitting in a circle listening to Cat Stevens passing a hukka around. So Dan and I left.

I know everybody changes after college. People move on. You can still keep in touch but it will never be the same. It just amazes me how much people change and in what ways.

I am not exempt from it. I am different too. I’m married and am starting a career and I think about having kids and I live in BC and pay for car insurance. I clean on Saturdays and make meal plans and go grocery shopping regularly. Laundry and dishes are a recurring part of my life. And sometimes my idea of a good Friday night is going to look at new carpet for the living room

And I am ok with that.


  1. I am ok with that too.
    And I love you.
    And thanks for the 2 new posts.

  2. Anonymous7:59 AM

    Yep - you know it, people disappoint!
    Dad and I enjoyed the Film Festival and thought about Dan as we watched the extreme climbing and kayaking adventures! You guys would have loved it!
    Now I must get a cup of coffee, wanna come over?
    I love you just as you are, Mom

  3. Oh man! Did those guys go to the banff film festival? I want to go!!
    Your mom and I only communicate through you and your sisters blogs! it's a fun relationship!

    But speaking of relationships... it's so true that we had such a fun time at bbc with the extendaquad and that random rag tag of boys from the brother dorm. Remember the movie we made! such fun! I sometimes mourn over the fact we will never truly have anything like that again! Although Janis and I are thinking of joining a commune in Colorado... do you guys wanna come?!?!

  4. i am glad you are ok with you. what a wonderful thing to be able to say, and mean it! kudos to you. you are fabulous and that is why so many people love you. me most of all :) moms are always right - people disappoint! i learn that lesson over and over you lots, thanks for 2 new posts.

  5. I liked this post. And I'm happy you're happy with who you are. You should be, because You=Fantastic.
    Love you lots!!

  6. Anonymous12:38 PM

    haha not sure if you'll ever see this, but all of that is what we are going through too... both loving careers that we will soon have to put aside. a good friday night is with our youth group at the moment, but a good thursday night may be looking at candles to buy for the living room.

    bills get paid and money is coming in, but we also just feel like we faxed it (and immediate plans of children) all away with our missionary applications.

    life moves fast doesn't it.